What a week..I don’t know where it went and what I did with it…but it’s gone. I hate weeks like that. Weeks that are so consumed with nausea that one day runs into another and it is as though nothing substantial has been accomplished, other than some evidence that laundry was done and there is fresh banana bread and some jars of cranberry sauce.
I remember a time when I could plan ahead and do things “normal”…but I forget what it feels like to do that. I told my husband that I feel as though I don’t accomplish anything. He says that he gets to see me as I go through even the worst of days, and apparently I do accomplish great things and he views me as being amazingly strong. I don’t see it. Not one bit. Wanting to curl up in a corner and not be bothered because the queasy feeling or just overall verge of vomiting feeling is just too much to even hide; is that strength? I just don’t see it. Maybe my whole perception is wrong. Maybe I need to find the strength, or see the strength in it.
A while ago I wrote a post on turning pain into hope. Surely, it reads well after the pain passes, but while in the midst of 2 weeks of chronic nausea I even have a difficult time seeing that there is purpose in it. My husband says that it will build my faith, rather than break it down. Some days I agree and others I can’t imagine why God would bring me to this dark place.
One thing I hate is watching the faces of my family members see me so sick. I hate it. I loathe it. I hate that people who know and love me, know me. I can hide it from most people, but those who are close to me know those little things that mean I’m not myself; and it tears them up. Nobody wants to see anyone they love suffer. They know I have been down many avenues of seeking medical help, and they know the situation, but it still hurts them and that hurts me.
Topic Change: A Diet Change
One month ago I began eating gluten free oats for breakfast again after ceasing all oats for two months. During those two months I suffered with some really crazy symptoms that have now gone away. If you know me, you know I have eaten oatmeal every day for breakfast for at least 10 years. I could make them in my sleep, alongside my quart mason jar of fresh hot unsweetened tea. I had an episode of what we call the Haiti squirts (aka diarrhea), which had been occurring regularly and I decided that it was a colon cleanse and I would change my diet. I had been bouncing between constipation and diarrhea,was chronically bloated and had constant acid… and needed something to blame. So, I blamed oats. I began eating gluten free brown rice crisps for breakfast with my typical Greek yogurt and tea. The first thing I noticed was that the bloating was gone and the heartburn was minimal.
I had been suffering with frequent migraines throughout the summer but after quitting oats I found I was getting more migraines. I also began getting a pain which I pinpointed to be originating in a specific nerve above the eye. The pain was excruciating and would come and go like an ice pick headache. It would happen for anywhere between 4 and 16 seconds then go away. The fatigue, disorientation and nausea would remain even when the pain wasn’t there, and the pain would happen anywhere from a minute apart to several minutes or even hour apart. It was odd, and I had never experienced anything like it.
The other thing I noted while being off the oats was how incredibly hungry I was. I could eat two large bowls of rice cereal for breakfast, a large bowl of Greek yogurt, then be starving an hour later. It was crazy. By the end of my time without oatmeal, I had lost a significant amount of weight. Actually, one of the reasons I started eating the oats again was because I was down to a very unhealthy weight and I felt that my nervous system was suffering from the lack of the quality carbohydrates.
So, I’m back to eating oats. I tried quitting yogurt for two months a few summers ago because I had blamed yogurt for acid reflux; turned out I was wrong and I now enjoy my yogurt again.
I got off of Nexium about 3 years ago after being on it since I was a young teen. Fourteen years of Nexium left me with a body that does not know how to regulate acid. At the time of being put on it the doctors felt that I had GERD and the new miracle drug would be the cure. Turns out that I never really experienced GERD, that was, until I forgot to take my Nexium. I probably had symptoms closely resembling what my daughter goes through now when she eats something with gluten or something she is sensitive to. I never had acid as a child, just stomach upset constantly at nighttime. That is what my daughter had up until I took gluten out of her diet. I should probably do an entire article devoted to my Nexium experience. When I stopped taking it I wished I had someone to talk to who had gone through the withdrawal and someone who could give me some advice.
So, after a day full of nausea and a slight migraine…those are my thoughts. Not much, not exciting…quite dull actually. Hopefully tomorrow will be a productive day!
Oh, I did post a bake sale on Etsy today. I’m selling samples of baked goods for 1 dollar a piece, plus shipping. I got the idea after I received emails asking if I would send samples out. I’m doing the ghost pepper chocolate chip cookies, banana bread and chocolate cake this week.
In closing, as I reread what I wrote earlier and assessed this past weeks activities I have to say that I did accomplish some things. I have a stack of boxes filled with pepper jellies that is taller than me; many of which I did this week. I also have a stack of apples that I processed this past week. We did do my daughters lessons, even if I didn’t do everything I had in mind. I created a chocolate cake recipe based on Hershey’s chocolate cake that is gluten free and is just as good as their traditional recipe. It may not seem like much in the moment, but I did not let the nausea keep me from accomplishing anything.
So if your having a week that feels like you haven’t accomplished anything, maybe you should try writing down your thoughts and feelings on the matter. Maybe after you write it all down you will be able to think clearly and assess the situation for what it is and see how much you really did accomplish.
On that note, I’m going to get ready for bed!