The past week has been interesting. Last Monday night I was up all night long with a horrible stomach ache. That is not the norm for me at all, and it wasn’t like I had eaten anything different or caught a virus. It just ached so badly. The rest of the week I spent almost every night up at least a few hours throughout the night with nausea. Other times I was just up, and wide awake. Waking up at midnight ready to start the day kind of awake. Friday night I woke up nauseous at 2am and thought about taking a pregnancy test, but then realized we weren’t even trying this month so it would be a waste. In the morning I couldn’t resist that urge to test even though it would certainly be negative. After 18 months of negatives and chemical pregnancies I am used to either a stark negative or a positive that ends in a chemical pregnancy. I got dressed while waiting the three minutes and went to throw the test in the trash to move on with the day…then I saw two lines. Not just a faint positive, but it was positive. No doubting it, no squinting or questioning if it was indeed a second line.
Every month I suffer with nausea and sometimes even strong food aversions to the point of gagging so many months we would all joke that I was pregnant. But, it became increasingly difficult to joke about being pregnant when each month I was left disappointed or saddened if that faint positive turned negative and yet another cycle began. This month was different than the last 18 months. This month was the first month that we gave up trying to have more kids. I suffer with so many hormone symptoms regularly that I figured I was done with having kids. Finding out that my great grandmother hit menopause at 34 wasn’t comforting; nor was the idea that I have calculus in my uterus that needs to be explored further. That’s not to mention that my oncologist told me 8 years ago that I likely couldn’t have more children. I figured we were done, out of luck.
This month I had decided it wasn’t possible and it was not worth trying or even getting hopeful and watch for symptoms during the two week wait. It wasn’t going to happen because God didn’t have it in his plan for us to have more children. It was when I handed over my imaginary control to God that He provided peace about the whole situation…and then several darkening tests. It was when I gave it to Him that he took it from me and showed that life is up to him, and not me.
So, the past few days have been a challenge to not share the news with my husband. Up until this month we have always joked about symptoms and this past week has been full of them. But, Harry and I stopped joking this month because I had cried on his shoulder last month telling him I can’t do it anymore. I was done trying, and he knew that joking at this point could cause more emotional upset. He’s a wonderful husband. When Aryanna joked a few days ago at the dinner table about me being pregnant, during yet another meal I couldn’t stomach, Harry told her that I probably wasn’t. I said that I’d have to see two lines when I pee on a stick. They responded by talking about watching me when I’m going on walks in the woods because I might get caught peeing on sticks. Gotta love my family. We have the most interesting dinner conversations with so many laughs.
So, for all you girls out there who are symptom watchers and spending every waking minute wondering if this is your month to conceive, I tell you this: Don’t obsess. Don’t fret. Give it to God. If you don’t know God, read a Bible and get to know Him; you’ll be happier than you can imagine. He won’t take your fears and stress away unless you surrender them to him. I know that from too much experience in my short Christian journey.
Keep a log of your symptoms and journal, write your thoughts down. Writing can help put life in perspective for you. Look around you and enjoy the moment you are in, don’t spend your now looking to the future so much. You will miss out on the moment now if your constantly worrying about what will happen in the future. If you have kids already, take time and appreciate them; really, heartfelt appreciation for them. They are gifts for us to raise up and I think that sometimes as parents we can take our offspring for granted. Maybe they are the only children you will ever have, and maybe being stressed and pressured about conceiving another will lead to neglecting them in ways that you otherwise wouldn’t. I know, because I got to the place where I thought that maybe Aryanna was the only daughter I would have and I needed to focus more on her than trying to have more. That was actually the beginning of my breaking down and giving it to God. I felt convicted that I was spending quite a bit of time thinking about having more kids when I had a perfectly healthy and quite happy one with me 24/7! I had to spend more time focusing on appreciating the child I have.
I’m writing on little sleep and am going to get ready for bed. This post won’t be made public until we tell our family members that we are pregnant so if it looks odd that a Nov 2nd post is marked as new, say, a week from now…you know why : )
April 23, 2017: Well, that took a while to post! I didn’t even use my computer for months after writing this!